Many couples ask, “can we come back from this?” The good news is that most couples can come back from an affair. In fact, many couples are able to move forward in and create a better relationship than the one they had before the affair was discovered. There are some factors that can help couples set off to a more “successful” start. Here are the first 3 indicators to look out for to let both of you know that you are ready for healing;
Sign #1. The person who had the affair is ready to give up their affair partner.
This may seem obvious, but not every person who is having an affair is ready to give that relationship up. One of the first questions I will ask a couple when they call me for help with affair recovery is, “have you ended the affair?” The commitment to your marriage or partnership has to be clear, otherwise, the pain in the primary partnership is perpetuated and the lack of commitment indicates a deeper issue to resolve.
Sign #2. Both partners are committed to guided, professional support.
Getting help is not easy and in a situation like an affair, the partner who stepped out on the relationship may be too mired in shame to seek help in fear that they may be judged. Or the person who was cheated on may feel embarrassed that they are considering staying. There may even be an urgency to bypass all the pain and just “move forward” like nothing happened. This is a difficult issue to work through, both partners can easily get stuck in a spiral of blame/defend that can keep them from truly moving forward. Both partners have to be willing to seek help.
Sign 3. Both partners are willing to deepen their understanding of one another.
After the discovery of an affair there are a lot of painful feelings to work through. The partner who committed the infidelity has to have a willingness to create awareness of their defensive stance and understand the emotional impact their affair had on their partner. This is not easy, as it can drive a lot of shame as well as their own pain. The partner that was cheated on, only once they are more emotionally ready, has to have a willingness to understand the meaning that the affair had for their partner. This can help both partners better understand how to move forward in their relationship. A person can step out on their marriage for a number of reasons and they could be interpersonal reasons (feeling depressed and having a need to feel alive) or due to feeling unhappy in their relationship. There are a few others, but that is for another blog post. Understanding the meaning of the affair can help both partners navigate a path forward.
